Megan Fox in her underwear

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Ashley Greene in a Body Paint Bikini

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Here's the final product of Ashley Greene's nude, Sobe-sponsored photo shoot for Sports Illustrated that's been leaking in bits and pieces all week. I'm not an energy drinker myself, but thanks to this genius marketing decision, I'm now paying a homeless man to run to the store for Crisco because my penis is stuck in a Sobe bottle.

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Victoria Silvstedt in St. Barth's

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Jennifer Lopez performs on New Year's Eve

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Lindsay Lohan in a bikini looks bruisey

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Lindsay and Ali Lohan spent the New Years weekend in St. Barth's where I can only assume they clung to the side of ships like barnacles then snuck aboard and pretended they're the maids. But before you assume that's where Lindsay's bruises come from, plowing longshoremen on top of a jetty is still a viable source of eight balls.

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Hayden Panettiere in a bikini

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Because apparently ignoring the basic laws of physics is this year's Twitter, here's Hayden Panettiere with her latest gravy train, Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, celebrating the New Year in Miami, and these pics could easily pass for a giant receiving his offering of a young, virginal girl so he won't trample the harvest. Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling Wladimir a child-fucker or anything because he'd punched me into dust. I'm just saying Hayden could use his armpits for a hammock which, in hindsight, doesn't make this any less creepy.


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